Three artists, two nun lines, one Santana song…
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[4.29]
Alfred Soto: Rihanna sings as if she wasn’t hearing “Maria, Maria” in her speakers, Bryson Tiller makes dumb gun metaphors, and the rest of the track is too piddling to arouse either my ire or enthusiasm.
[2]
Eleanor Graham: This is a tale of two nun lines. Firstly, the one from “Hell Of A Life”, which Bryson straight up lifted for his verse. (“What verse?” I hear you say. “This song is only 1 min 40 long.” And how right you are.) Secondly, JUST KEEP IT WHITE AND BLACK AS IF I’M YOUR SISTER, which with Rih’s 500-degrees-and-icy delivery is cute, sardonic, sexy, weird and amazing.
[6]
Micha Cavaseno: Let me keep it 100: DJ Khaled as Meme is the biggest Fucking Cornball in the world. I respect it in that he has understood how to transcend the great mystery that dumbass rap fans have of “HUHUH WHAT DOES DJ KHALED EVEN DO” that they never ask for Puffy or Birdman, and in his memeing he now feels like an essential member of rap’s pantheon. Nothing changes the fact that every Khaled Anthem is pure corniness because that’s all this man does. So of course he decided to pick a single that’s the drums of independent ladies and the guitar lick of “Maria, Maria.” It hits several sweet spots: nostalgia for the dawn of the millenia, tropical smooth vibes for the summer. It also manages to find the only person who would happily sing the words “NEKKY NEKKY NEKKID” and have listeners mistake that for being breathtakingly awesome instead of LAME AS ALL HELL. But y’know, I like the Bryson Tiller section so frankly I can’t talk too much.
[2]
Claire Biddles: Who knew that early-00s N.E.R.D. guitar sound could feel fresh in 2017?
[8]
Thomas Inskeep: I’d like this a lot better if a) Khaled would shut up and stop yelling “WE THE BEST MUSIC!” and “another one!” b) this weren’t basically just Rihanna singing over “Maria Maria,” a Santana song I’ve always hated, c) Bryson Tiller had anything of note to do.
[4]
Katherine St Asaph: Unfortunately, given that we’re trying to book DJ Khaled for future projects (Feature: “From Punchline to Meme God: How DJ Khaled Played Us All”; Essay: “How DJ Khaled’s 10000 Arbitrary Features Were Born for the Streaming Economy”; Listicle: “10 Most Shameless — So Best Obv — Santana Samples”; Video: “I Love the ’90s”) I’m going to have to nix any blurbs from me on DJ Khaled unless they’re like, KHALED IS GREAT.
[4]
Stephen Eisermann: “Maria, Maria” is a terrific song, so I came into this track with high expectations right off the bat. Thankfully, Rihanna and Bryson Tiller sell sex better than anyone else in the industry which makes the delivery of these vulgar-for-vulgarity-sake lyrics more clean than they really should be. I mean, lyrics like “spinning and it’s wet just like it came from Maytag,” and “fuck you ’til you’re burned out, cremation” aren’t even sexy, they’re just gross, but somehow Rihanna and Bryson power through them as casually as if they were regular game they spit. Santana’s guitar chords must have different effects on different people, as they do make me feel some type of way, just not that type of way.
[4]