Slightly Delayed Tuesday ends with a concept almost as flimsy as itself…

[Video][Website]
[5.58]

Alex Macpherson: Much of Circus, Britney’s latest opus, tries very hard to carefully recreate the druggy, lurching haze which characterised its predecessor, Blackout. Mostly, it wears that hard work rather too heavily, faking being fucked up while simultaneously trying to give the impression that the Britney train is safely back on its rails. ‘If U Seek Amy’ is an exception. Single entendre apart, it finds Britney stumbling blindly around looking for, probably, her dealer. In the process, she babbles endless nonsense like “HA HA HEE HEE HA HA HO” over pitchshifting oddness and – crucially – a tempo fast enough for the track to work as a club banger.
[7]

Jordan Sargent: “Piece of Me” found Brit at her lowest point, broken and alienated by the flashing bulbs of TMZ, hot white lights that would eventually contribute to the deterioration of her marriage, her relationship with her children and her life in general. In “If You Seek Amy” she’s just as alone, except now she’s roaming the club begging for someone to take her home. We never find out if that happens, but we do see Brit resort to the lamest of all high school taunts: more people want to fuck me than you. It’s enough to ruin the goodwill built-up by having the balls to push the song to radio.
[5]

Iain Mew: Musically and in its overwhelming feeling of a resigned lack of control, “If You Seek Amy” reminds of nothing so much as The Knife’s creepy masterpiece “One Hit”. They even share demented faux-laughter as a lyrical device, although the more convincing deadness of feeling means this shades it as the more disturbing of the two.
[8]

Keane Tzong: Before the release of Circus, Max Martin described “If U Seek Amy” as the best work he’d ever done. Looking back on that now, the hubris is too much to comprehend: it’s a statement so completely wrong it actually casts a shadow over all the songs he’s ever written before. “If U Seek Amy” feels lazy and underdone, as though everyone involved in its writing lost all their creative faculties immediately after coming up with the pun. The Max Martin of yore would have known that a few “ha ha hee hee ha ha ho”s and a one-note joke just aren’t enough to make a good song. Even if you give it Britney, who, despite a surprisingly present and committed performance, can’t save this from being as utterly mediocre as it is.
[6]

Ian Mathers: Yes, yes, controversy blah blah blah. But here’s the thing: The titular wordplay is clumsy and rough, the rest of the lyrics are both shit and incoherent (first Amy is a character, then she’s not; the section where Britney is promising that she’ll do “anything” if you sleep with her is both sad and completely antithetical to what the rest of the song is about), the vocals are just autotuned enough to be both annoying and foreign (i.e. sound nothing like Britney Spears), and the backing is undistinguished. You don’t have to be running around screaming “won’t somebody please think of the children!” to think this song is shit (which is all the more reason not to censor it, of course – freedom of speech applies as much to bad art as good).
[2]

Joseph McCombs: My issue isn’t with the homophoniness itself so much as the poor application of it: “beggin’ to if you seek Amy” doesn’t scan on the literal level, so the line has no choice but to exist on the crass one. But who cares; the whole world loves it when she makes that sound. Oh Baybuh Baybuh Baybuh.
[3]

Edward Okulicz: Nobody, repeat, nobody intones the word “baby” like Britney – it’s her word and damned if she isn’t going to warble and warp it like the demented robot she has always been. The lyrical jokes are obvious (and, one suspects, deliberately so) but it’s hard not to notice the relish with which they’re delivered. More importantly, the melody has the same infectious taunt of her last two singles, and it’s this that carries the song when you actually listen to it rather than snigger at the lyrics.
[9]

Doug Robertson: The tragic thing is that she probably does genuinely consider this to be a clever title. Rumours that Britney’s original treatment for the video consisted solely of her putting one hand on her cheek and giving the camera the finger “cause, like, it’ll look like I’m just scratching myself! It’s totally subversive!” are, sadly, probably true.
[5]

Additional Scores

Jonathan Bradley: [5]
Martin Kavka: [4]
M. H. Lo: [6]
Martin Skidmore: [7]

Fresh from their Lifetime Achievement Award at the Brits, and not featuring Lady Gaga…

[Video][Website]
[7.22]

Doug Robertson: The thing with the Pet Shop Boys, and I speak as someone who willingly sat through the entirety of the entertainment vacuum that was this year‘s Brit Awards just to see their bit, is this: do we really need any more Pet Shop Boys songs in the world? This is good, mind, with bleepy shouty bits aplenty, full of all the things that make the band great, and even a slight hint of mid-period Depeche Mode lurking in the background, but would you really choose to listen to this ahead of the vast majority of their back catalogue?
[7]

Edward Okulicz: A relatively slight song, but flashes of excellence; the slightly sinister plinky backing and the call and response chorus are both fine. Some problems though: the first verse’s melody doesn’t suit Neil Tennant’s voice at all (a sign that while 25 years in the biz have made them sure of his strengths, it may have made them forget his weaknesses too) and the lyrics are frankly awful in places – “a supercar to get far”, oh please. Still, miles better than “I’m With Stupid”.
[5]

Hillary Brown:Quietly marvelous stuff that taps just the right mildly melancholic vein without ever becoming depressing. It’s not a barn-burner, but it’s a good cool-down/make-out song.
[7]

Ian Mathers: If I say that Neil Tennant’s vocal presence has been getting wispier and more sly as the years go by, I hope you’ll agree that’s a compliment – by now he’s pop’s Holy Ghost, flitting through the Boys’ maximalist synth-pop palaces (now with Xenomania!). This might be their best single since the mind-bendingly great “Flamboyant,” and like that song it sees the band in a reflective, advice giving mood, one that suits them surprisingly well. At this rate, it’s tempting to say that the empire never ended.
[9]

M. H. Lo: We’re now accustomed to using “etc” as a dismissive phrase (as in “love, blah blah blah”), so it’s a nice twist to find that the title of the Boys’ single is not only sincere, but literal: it is a song about love and other things. But the surprise ends there, because what the song says about these material things – the car, the jet, the Gerhard Richter painting – is simply that they aren’t as important as love. It’s a clichéd sentiment, especially from a band that once wrote a song (“If There Was Love,” for Liza Minnelli) to rebut the Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love.” The unfulfilled promise of the lyric, sadly, is representative: while still above-average, this track falls short of being one of the band’s best.
[7]

Additional Scores

Martin Kavka: [8]
Martin Skidmore: [7]
Keane Tzong: [8]
Alex Wisgard: [7]

We’re a little bit split on this…

[Video][Website]
[6.70]

Dave Moore: Marit Larsen’s orchestra helps Jazmine Sullivan tiptoe through a magical forest so that she can warn Dorothy that there really is no place like home: true love is an illusion and a painful divorce is inevitable.
[8]

Al Shipley: R&B radio can support a relatively wide variety of sounds, from the club tracks to the slow jams, but one prerequisite that few songs ever get on the air without is a beat. The last hit I can remember with absolutely no rhythm track was John Legend’s “Ordinary People,” and like that song, “Lions Tigers and Bears” is striking both for its lack of percussion and for the weight the hook carries without it. Sullivan oversells the drama by blubbering nonsense like “why do we love love when love seems to hate us,” but it works because the grandiose strings go all the way out on the ledge with her.
[7]

Jordan Sargent: It’s hard to deny Jazmine on a technical level, but “Need U Bad” aside, her singles have always struck me as silly, their weightiness undercut by fanciful Disney strings. “Lions & Tigers & Bears” hits me just the same. The plucky orchestration and lyrics about climbing mountains and crossing rivers seem to me more fit for high school theatre than R&B radio. In other words, I’ll take Keyshia, thanks.
[4]

Edward Okulicz: More than just floaty and airborne, this is ethereal, shimmering and exquisitely dramatic. Sullivan’s voice is distinct and she sings (and never over-sings) her story like an actress completely inhabiting her role. Music, melody, meaning… the overall effect is nothing less than a 00s “When Doves Cry”. Absolutely stunning.
[10]

Doug Robertson: Blimey, this song goes on longer than the Yellow Brick Road itself, but by the end of this journey there’s no surprises and the wizard hasn’t bothered even attempting to hide behind a curtain. Everything about this is crushingly predictable and even the, admittedly, quite impressively impassioned vocal can’t help this soar any higher than about kerb level. Any lions, tigers or bears in the vicinity would probably just give up and go home.
[5]

Hillary Brown: This song has precisely two things wrong with it: 1. It seems to last about ten minutes. 2. It has little structure, being kind of a loop of the same thing, and that probably contributes mightily to #1. But when it’s this pleasurable to listen to that loop, which is made up of a stellar vocal performance over a beautiful, pizzicato-accented set of twinkles, I’m not sure I can complain in any way other than docking the song a couple of points for not completely blowing my mind.
[8]

Martin Kavka: I hate her plaintive voice, and I hate that she would rather complain about being the victim of anonymous “love” (but not the person whom she loves) than do anything about it. Butch it up, girl! Stay in the relationship, or give yourself good reasons for dumping him.
[1]

Martin Skidmore: I adore her voice, even when she sounds a touch forced: she always sounds moved and sexy and strong, and the strained moments give this a genuinely tormented feel. The strings on this are gorgeous too, flowing at times, pizzicato at others, but always beautiful. One of my favourites of the year so far.
[10]

Ian Mathers: Generally speaking, I hate musicals and this is way, way too show tune-y for me. But I have to give it credit for surprisingly realistic bleakness (“just because I love you and you love me / doesn’t mean that we were meant to be”) and for the song’s commitment to its Broadway orchestration, which remains stately and mournful throughout. Putting such a defiantly really-old-school ballad on an R’n’B album is to be lauded, even if it’s a form I’m not a fan of myself.
[6]

Alex Wisgard: Ladies and gentlemen, Alicia Keys is floating in space.
[8]

Opinions not quite as split on this one…

[Video][MySpace]
[4.44]

Alex Wisgard: Hushed piano intro? Sweeping strings? Big slide guitar solo? This is some kind of pre-pubescent take on “Angels”, surely? Ugh. The biggest token-ballad-blandathon since Britney Spears put out “I’m Not a Girl…”.
[2]

Martin Skidmore: The singing is fine, though I think her real strength is as a pop-rock singer, being more gruff almost. The trouble is that this is very much an X Factor final inspirational ballad, and I am sick enough of them that it takes something exceptional for me to like it, and this isn’t special.
[4]

Doug Robertson: It’s destined to soundtrack every episode of the X Factor auditions, and will no doubt become as ubiquitous as Elbow’s “One Day Like This” was last year. You heard it here first: Miley Cyrus is the new Guy Garvey.
[5]

Edward Okulicz: More country power-ballad than power-pop, which is to say it sounds a bit like Bon Jovi and “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You” by Heart, and is both cheesy and affecting. A relief to hear reports of Miley’s “maturity” were greatly exaggerated, this is pretty much “My First Ashlee Simpson-esque Ballad” for Radio Disney listeners.
[8]

Dave Moore: What didn’t seem obvious at the time was that Taylor Swift opened up a two-way street between Top 40 teenpop and the country charts. If you thought Miley didn’t have an exit strategy, you were probably underestimating her – and if country doesn’t work, this ballad will sound massive on Christian radio. See, the “climb” is also an upward search.
[7]

Hillary Brown: Cyrus still has a big, brassy, distinctive voice, and she’s been trying to move toward more interesting material, but she hasn’t yet found someone who’ll really push her, production-wise.
[6]

Ian Mathers: Considering this is the girl who, even jokingly, threw a tantrum when Radiohead didn’t want to hang out with her, I don’t buy for a second that she thinks that it “Ain’t about how fast I get there / Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side / It’s the climb.” I know, it’s the song and not the singer, but if (say) Kelly Clarkson or someone was singing this, it might be half decent because they’d be able to sell the song. As it is, there’s a kind of sour triumphalism to the whole affair: it’s a song about perseverance by someone who deep down knows, or thinks, they’re going to come out on top no matter what. Since the song itself is just a pro forma ballad, that feeling sinks it.
[2]

Martin Kavka: Set to a track that combines the worst of Celine Dion and Nickelback, Miley sings that “there’s always gonna be another mountain / I’m always gonna wanna make it move / ain’t about how fast I get there / Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side / It’s the climb.” Did the idea of going around the base of the mountain never occur to her? Or shouldn’t the song have lyrics that metaphorize life as a range of mountains that can only be conquered by climbing across them?
[2]

Jonathan Bradley: It does not appear as if there is much to be said for the new Miley Cyrus single. It has none of the charged confusion of “See You Again”, or the sly charm of “7 Things.” It seems an effort in rather unremarkable balladry notable mostly for being a further step in Cyrus’ now almost complete transition from kiddie pop icon to mainstream star. But, turn your dial over to country radio, where another take on this is making a bit of a splash, and you’ll find that “The Climb” is actually quite a stirring effort. That original mix of this track adds only touches of slide guitar – it’s about as country as the ritzy suburbs of Nashville Cyrus calls home – but it gives the song some character and emotional impetus entirely lacking in the neutered pop mix. Cyrus is not quite able to stamp her presence on a tune the way fellow country-pop sojourner Taylor Swift can, but this is an admirable step into new territory from a performer with far more versatility than her beginnings would ever have suggested. My score is for the pop mix; the country take is worth a few extra points.
[4]

The Jukebox makes its first-ever excursion into the world of Serbian pop and pulls out this…

[Video][Website]
[6.25]

Martin Kavka: Serbians who sound half like The Smiths, and half like Pop-era U2. My Serbian sucks too hard to be able to tell if they’re celebrating technology or criticizing it. They’re all wearing black in their photos; could go either way.
[5]

Iain Mew: Starts off as a pleasant airy groove (with a hint of that dub) with slightly ill-fitting gruff vocals on top. Then, and this is the great part, the singer gradually gets sped up and cut up and transformed into the robot of the title until eventually all we have is echoey distant noises that might possibly be fragments of words and match perfectly to the dreamy atmosphere. Then our human springs back in and we go through the whole process a second time. Why not?
[7]

Ian Mathers: At first I was a little irked by the goofy vocal processing during the chorus (and the band’s name), but I came around after watching the band goof with it during the videos. And really, aside from that there’s very little to dislike about this thickly maximalist, vaguely danceable track – Serbian is a great language to shout in, it turns out, and the way they constantly pile on layers of drums, bass, keyboards, guitars, etc. is very satisfying. A minor but definite pleasure, and appealingly goofy.
[7]

Martin Skidmore: It’s pleasant enough, bubbling along with lush sounds overlaying the beats, but the vocals do nothing for me (the problem I have with a lot of electro music these days) and I have no idea what it’s about, bar the standard territory implied by the title. I wish it were a bit funkier or lovelier or the singing were less dreary, as it sounds in reach of being something I’d like, but it just misses.
[4]

M. H. Lo: Despite/Because the melody of this sounds like Antigone’s dance track from last year, “More Man Than Man”, let’s fantasize: in an alternative world, five years from now, a Serbian filmmaker will win an Oscar for Best Animated Short, and end his acceptance speech by saying, “Robotay-eh-eh-eh-teh!” And every viewer will dig the allusion to the Darkwood Dub song, because it will have been a giant hit across the globe, the 21st century version of “Mr. Roboto”. Is this alternative world a better world? It’s sort of a 6 out of 10 world.
[6]

Additional Scores

John M. Cunningham: [7]
Doug Robertson: [7]
Hazel Robinson: [7]

America has got itself a Chris Brown-shaped hole to fill, and guess who’s (sort of) auditioning…

[Video][Website]
[4.75]

Alex Wisgard: “Baby, you know that I miss you, I wanna get witchu tonight, but I cannot, baby girl, and that’s the issue” – someone please get him a tissue. I can’t tell if this is meant to be sickeningly sentimental or some kind of softcore advocation of phone sex. Either way, kids, just say no.
[2]

Hillary Brown: Am I just feeling good because it hit 80 degrees F today and it seems like summer came overnight, or is this actually a charming and melodic Soulja Boy song not just in existence to promote a dance?
[7]

Al Shipley: One wonders, for all his fame and teen idol status, if this dead-eyed groaning zombie is anyone’s idea of a heartthrob. It’s painful enough when Soulja Boy pretends to have any personality at all, let alone a romantic life, and so it’s pretty amazing that, after “Soulja Girl” coasted by on the momentum of “Crank That,” his second attempt at a wimpy love song is actually the biggest hit from his latest album. Maybe girls like the Sammie hook.
[2]

Rodney J. Greene: The dinky synths and hokey hook don’t help, but the greatest problem is that Soulja Boy doesn’t posess half an ounce of romanticism, nor can he effectively fake it. I’d swear he’s even more bored with this than I am.
[3]

Dave Moore: I love how un-Soulja Boy this is, a relatively slick ringtone ballad (complete with shoehorned-in unintelligible cell phone number) with a smooth, er, ringer brought in to sing the hook while Soulja Boy barely musters a guest spot on his own track. Though what could have been a weirdly touching ode to long-distance lovesickness is made blander by the realization that he’s just going to be a little late getting home.
[7]

Additional Scores

Martin Kavka: [6]
Martin Skidmore: [5]
Ian Mathers: [6]

Top 20 in France (a couple of weeks ago)…

[Video][Website]
[3.50]

Ian Mathers: Mr. Condon, I have seen Owen Pallett live and you, sir, are no Owen Pallett. Switching in oompah brass and clumsy marching band gestures for Pallett’s always graceful violin manipulations isn’t exactly helping your case either. How is this kind of bullshit popular in indie land, anyway?
[3]

Hillary Brown: Beirut’s managed to sustain their gypsy-tinted tunes for far longer than I would have thought in the indie rock world, not creating a ton of variety but continuing in the same pretty, mournful tone over the course of some years. This latest single is more of that, with hints of a funeral march to match the sad myth in which it originates, but their repetition isn’t annoying because it’s always so well executed.
[7]

Martin Kavka: You’re driving across Central Europe, and you suddenly need to stop in some small town to, ahem, use the facilities. Perhaps there’s some local color in the town square; a band wearing the costumes of custom is getting ready to play. You leave promptly. But six hours later, that band is playing something like this sad slow oom-pah-pah track because they’re simply too drunk to play anything else. You, on the other hand, are free.
[3]

Iain Mew: I have properly enjoyed precisely one Beirut song so far, “Cliquot”. The simple reason being that he got someone else to sing that one. No change here: just as the rich and dramatic music starts to take off Mr. Condon’s overwrought straining for emotion drags it back down to earth.
[4]

Dave Moore: Great if you like turgid tuba oompah pop, but until Beirut teams up with Polow da Don for a Chris Cornell/Timbaland-esque Frankenstein makeover, I’m not listening to anything else he does.
[3]

Additional Scores

Martin Skidmore: [1]

Best thing about the video for this: what song do the band think they’re playing?…

[Video][Website][Lars Ulrich Totally Being OK With It]
[5.67]

Doug Robertson: The Metallica song that Metallica can get away with playing whenever they’re not playing to an audience made up entirely of Metallica fans, done in a way that would result in the people involved getting eaten alive should they ever attempt to play it to an audience made up entirely of Metallica fans. Not without its charms, but the lasting impression is of a Mel C b-side from around the time she was trying to convince the world that there was more to her than just Sporty Spice. This probably deserves a similar level of success.
[6]

Iain Mew: I don’t know the original song, and if I hadn’t been told it was a cover it could totally pass as a goth-Winehouse original, by a singer with just about the requisite abilities to pull that off. It’s not like “Back to Black” didn’t lean that way already. The bells of doom after the chorus are a particular highlight on a song that smartly navigates its way just the right side of too ridiculous.
[8]

Martin Kavka: Metallica’s not my cup of tea (does anyone in Metallica drink tea?), but I respect them a great deal. I don’t respect this pop cover of “The Unforgiven” at all, even if it has sort of snappy drumming. Why? Because pop songs with melancholy lyrics, when successful, get across the sense that pop is one of the great escapes from pain. This is just some Swiss girl smiling about how mum and dad fuck you up.
[2]

Dave Moore: Hm, never thought about what it would sound like if Natasha Bedingfield to cover a song I used to videotape myself lip-syncing to whilst wielding a toy laser gun. I’m kind of glad it exists, even if it’s beyond pointless.
[4]

M. H. Lo: This teaches us that while it’s possible to cover Metallica with a straight face, not that much is gained by the exercise. Though the sped-up tempo means that we can breeze past the most risible moment – i.e., the Soylent Green-esque revelation, “That old man here is ME (DO YOU SEE???)” — without dissolving into complete hysterics, it’s still hard to listen to Stefanie “dub thee the unforgiven”. In all, passable, but surely “The Unforgiven” is best re-imagined as a balls-out disco anthem? No? Anyone? Jake Shears?
[6]

Additional Scores

Martin Skidmore: [8]

We hear the album’s very good, though…

[Video][Website]
[6.14]

Rodney J. Greene: Dream-by-numbers. Springy toms, bouyant synths, dirty mouth to hide the stars in his eyes. Competent, but not as novel as he has been in the past. I can’t help but feel somewhat cheated.
[6]

Doug Robertson: Presumably the rocking they have in mind is the sort that you can get up to in cars, but in reality the only rocking this is going to soundtrack is that of the chair variety. If it wasn’t for the rude words dotted here and there, this could soundtrack the love scene in a Hannah Montana movie.
[2]

Martin Skidmore: The odd harmony moments on this are genuinely striking, leaping out from the otherwise restrained R&B vocals. I like The-Dream a great deal – I think he’s learned all the right things from R. Kelly, the production has taken strong lessons from Timbaland’s use of synth washes, the drums are mighty and the harmonies (possibly just double-tracking, I don’t know) make the hook jump out at you. Huge and excellent, one of the best R&B ballads I’ve heard in a while.
[9]

Al Shipley: The-Dream has a flair for writerly detail that brings his sometimes unimaginative melodies to life, but in this case it’s all about the tune. The lyrics are such a puff of nothing that he almost seems unable to deny it, shrugging “there’s nothing I can say” amid a chorus that tries to wring drama out of the simple statement that a girl is rocking shit in a way that would make you fall in love with her. And yet it all works, because of how easily you’re swept up in the opulent, glistening layers of melody.
[8]

Dave Moore: Unlikely candidate to bring back overuse of the phrase “song cycle” kicks his album off with what, kind of surprisingly, sounds more and more to me like the weakest track — closet-milquetoast lothario does a generic R&B melody over blaring synth line until some painstakingly sculpted multitracking up the scale opens up the song’s more expansive maximalist potential. Doesn’t really get off the ground, though.
[6]

Additional Scores

Hillary Brown: [6]
Martin Kavka: [6]

Well, if we didn’t have at least one Lil Wayne guest spot in the opening week, people might start thinking we were impostors…

[Video][Website]
[6.80]

Hillary Brown: Not even Weezy can lend a hint of sex appeal to this dry, simplistic, off-key song.
[2]

Rodney J. Greene: Keri shows and proves her songwriting chops while slowly transforming from a cheeky space-Rihanna into something more human and coyer yet. Lil Wayne takes a full minute to “Keri, if you pitch it at me/ I’m ‘a swing away at it,” and “I’ll go underwater and I hope your piranha bite,” and just be Wayne in general, tropes, inspired madness and all. He actually raps, too. Thank god.
[9]

Martin Skidmore: She wrote some of my favourite singles of the last few years (“Ice Box”, “Like A Boy”), but this seemed a fairly mediocre number at first listen, though it is growing on me. I like the strength and liveliness in her voice (though I guess it is low on character), the production clicks along nicely, but it does take a while to grab me. I’d like this week’s Wayne guest spot better without the vocal processing, but this is one that might score better with me at the end of the year than on a couple of listens right now – or, more likely, she will do better.
[7]

Al Shipley: What really makes this song is the subtle contrast between groove and bombast, the way that little ticking percussion motif is still being established when Polow Da Don starts ad-libbing and throwing sirens all over the track to build up the energy. Keri’s melody is slight and her voice has never sounded thinner, but it works for the bitchy theme of the song. And Wayne, who built his empire in part on R&B cameos, turns in his first decent one in a while, clearly having fun dancing around the rhythm instead of merely slurring his way through it, although he does a bit of that too.
[7]

Martin Kavka: Proving that Polow Da Don is the next great hip-hop producer, this track is miles above anything he’s done recently, and should make people forget that he produced Fergie’s “Glamorous.” If this doesn’t go #1 in the US charts – if not only so that tweeners can hear Lil’ Wayne say “I hope your vagina’s tight; I go underwater and I hope your piranha bite” and receive some quality sex education in this abstinence-obsessed land – there is no justice…and mark my words, there will be no peace. Bonus points for the sampled (synthesized?) tuba.
[9]