If you really want to be outraged by Chris Martin, go find all the interviews where he big-ups “Last Friday Night”…
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[5.00]
Alfred Soto: Pairing the catchiest void in pop music with the most “-est” band in the world makes sense. From opening fanfare and martial drums, to martial drums and keyboards that sound like guitars and guitars that sound like Rihanna to the meaningless title, these people have created theme music for a perfume that doesn’t exist.
[4]
Katherine St Asaph: Pans across a synth tundra, then zooms out to reveal we’re just looking at the ice cubes in the drinks both parties monotonously sob into. If Rihanna’s presence on a Coldplay song bothers you, you’ve been trolled.
[5]
Hazel Robinson: This has to rank as one of the things I was least interested in hearing in this or any other year, but it’s gorgeous: beds of soft synths, fairytale bloops and a nonsensical, dreaming strut, overblown and ludicrous and delicate and romantic. The ’cause you really hurt me swoops, full of mourning against the waves of synth and guitar, are a particularly sharp emotional aftertaste.
[9]
Alex Ostroff: The dinosaur stomp beat lumbers along, but the glitchy synths are a decent look for Coldplay, the band that constantly seeks new ways to be tastefully midtempo. Rihanna tries her hardest to bring some genuine emotion to this schlock. Unfortunately, when you’re attempting to convey your tormented love for Chris Martin in song, the entire affair sounds about as convincing as Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee.
[4]
Brad Shoup: As always, Coldplay come up with a fine yawning riff, sticking it at the start to give the whole song an epic camouflage. That they incorporate any implication of static in their perfectionist pop/rock is worthy of praise, but it still feels a little like Pink Floyd discovering disco. Having proven their bona fides as your nephew’s favorite rapper’s favorite band, no effort is made to welcome Rihanna with anything like a sharp lyric. Kneejerk references to stars, fame and wealth muddy the scene; is Rihanna standing in for Gwyneth? Or is Martin showing us the world through the untrained eyes of a wealthy undergrad studying business abroad?
[5]
Iain Mew: Why China? Unless it’s following “Amsterdam” and “Lovers in Japan” as another step in a long-term scheme to make sure that they have a local reference for every step of their world tour? There is actually a really good chorus in there (“could have been a princess…”), which suits Rihanna well. Problem is, it appears only fleetingly, and most of the time is taken up with awkward dual “la la la”s and a lot of directionless synth noise in which is apparently buried, somewhere, a Sigur Rós credit.
[4]
Michaelangelo Matos: Given the cold new wave electronics, especially that intro, shouldn’t that be “Princess of Japan“? Except Chris Martin is too palatable to be David Sylvian; the only time this trudge comes to life is when Rihanna gets loud for a few seconds at the top of her verse. Is this a love theme for a dull Fox Searchlight version of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves?
[3]
Kat Stevens: I like Rihanna best when she’s not foghorning, and I like Coldplay best when they ditch the soppiness and up the stadium emo. So that makes this the best… song they’ve done together?
[6]