Welcome to Fourth Quarter Monday, in which we ask the music industry, “Really? This is what you’ve been holding back”?
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Will Adams: There is nothing to recommend this. Nicki’s verse is a dud: even on paper, “That was a setup … for a punchline” is far weaker than, “Ain’t a metaphor, punchline, I’m really sittin’ with Anna!” as a knowing wink. Drake’s verse is cringeworthy, soaked in a fourteen-year-old boy’s saliva. Lil Wayne is catatonic. Chris Brown is here for no reason. Nothing but bad ideas, only.
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Micha Cavaseno: Just for putting out this song, Nicki’s album should be delayed until fourth quarter of next year. I couldn’t tell you what’s worse here — Wayne recycling his spiritual son Young Thug’s flows just to feel excited, Chris Brown’s useless hook, Dr. Luke’s trash beat, Drake exhibiting the personality of a Revenge Porn user. And of course Nicki, who has essentially had her worst year since 2007 as a rapper. Her usual stylistics, her main strength, have proven to be a dry well. Her bars? About as laughable as post-jail Wayne. This song might be the worst thing all of these individuals have ever put their names to. Cash Money is an Army, but this here is Taco Tuesday in the mess-hall.
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Jonathan Bradley: Have you ever been privy to the planning that goes into an event at which a number of luminaries are scheduled to appear? Smooth transitions and logical sequencing cease to be a concern; rather, the object is to ensure the comfort of the special guests. Is each allotted an appropriate timeslot given his or her relative importance? Is the right person introducing the right person, and are they in turn introducing a significantly significant person? To give the appearance of cohesion, speakers might drop brief and unremarkable references to one another into their presentations. [clears throat] Welcome to the 2014 Young Money International Summit. Opening remarks will be provided by Nicki Minaj, who will no doubt get in some witty lines while we’re still interested enough to be paying attention. Following her we’ll hear from Chris Brown, introducing a presentation by Drake titled “Ain’t I a Stinker?” The keynote address will be delivered by Lil Wayne. After that, we will break for dinner, marking the close of day one. Catering is handled by Dr. Luke, and we all pray his hors d’oeuvres aren’t as flavorless as this beat.
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Brad Shoup: Nicki starts strong and falls off a cliff; Wayne trips out of the gate and spends his verse staring at cartoon birds. Drake wins by default! Like, even if that LA traffic crack isn’t some kind of what’s-the-deal-with-airline-food meta-joke, the Jerry Lewis way he delivers “I was still staring at the titties though!” makes for an incredible mental image. Dr. Luke and Cirkut nuke a trap beat from their freezer, but even after five minutes there’s no steam. Chris Brown is also on this track.
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Katherine St Asaph: No one comes off well here; Drake in particular is so unlikable that if I didn’t know better I’d suspect this was Nicki’s setup (for a mockery). Even the beat sounds less skeletal than underfed.
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Thomas Inskeep: Rapping, Nicki pretty consistently kills it; this is no exception. Drake getting nasty, I always like (plus he rhymes “comfortable” and “Huxtable”). Wayne continues to show that his Cash Money lieutenants have surpassed him. Chris Brown has nothing to do, just singing a couple lines of chorus, which is probably for best. And the track itself is reminiscent of Jeru’s “Come Clean,” which is a high compliment.
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Abby Waysdorf: Of all the current worldwide pop superstars, Nicki Minaj is definitely my favorite. She’s the most creative and interesting, with the most fascinating persona and presentation, and she’s mastered the art of making hit songs that are also totally weird. (Even Starships. Especially Starships.) “Only” is something that only Minaj could make — an address to her persona and her history, using the big names she’s been associated with but making it completely about her. As it should be. My complaint is that there’s five minutes, and only one with her in it. Also, points taken off for Chris Brown. Not just because he is who he is, but his by-the-numbers chorus doesn’t add anything. I can see why she’d think a chorus is necessary, as without it it’s a very non-pop pop song, but I wish it was less boring. The TV-drama of Nicki and Drake’s verses deserve better. Lil Wayne seems a bit tacked on, albeit necessary for the narrative.
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Crystal Leww: “Only” is pretty par for the course for everyone here. Lil Wayne turns in a listless verse, and Drake is more than willing to join him in a race to the bottom. They’re not misogynistic, just completely uninspired. Chris Brown does a thing that literally anyone else could have done. Nicki Minaj hasn’t made anything really actually bad in a long time, but this is pretty unspectacular. It’s not helped by the song’s central thesis, which is basically for Minaj to firmly establish that she never fucked her way to to the top despite her male co-signs. She’s doing remarkable things to push the boundaries of genre and gender, but songs like this remind us all that hip-hop and music at large still have a long way to go to catch up with her.
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