“Peter Brown called and said, We can make it” — oh wait.

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[5.33]
Mark Sinker: Imagine opening your eyes in a familiar place and discovering that something huge and terrible had happened while you slept. This is how the swell and fall of the Ozymandian empire seems to me: a plague — or some colossal physical cataclysm of terrible effect — that had passed entirely into history by the time I woke: “Two vast and trunkish bros of rock/…/Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose smirk/And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command/…/Nothing beside remains blah blah…” The effect’s been perverse, I suppose: cocooned and belated (long story), I can’t summon the loathing people felt in the moment for what the brothers stood for; and when I encounter something like this now I respond, mesmerized, to the small, almost mannerist delicacy of the permutational refashioning of a palette of classicist elements. It’s as if a tyrant had laid horrific waste to a continent to hardshoulder himself the space to work up opaquely poetic miniatures from patched threads and clichés, unmocked by the oafs and eggheads he knew no other way to face down or shake off.
[6]
Katherine St Asaph: Every part of this, every string huddle and bass lick and piano contrail and Gallagher wail, every “yes I’ll find youuuuu” and every other piece of high-flying instrumental birdpoop should be cheap and obvious and yet is so, so uplifting. I can’t help it. It’s like seeing white and gold.
[7]
Micha Cavaseno: Look, Noel Gallagher is the smartest living human ever. No, not Slavoj Zizek, no, not Stephen Hawking, and especially not Thom Yorke. I will square up for Noel Gallagher. His solo work remains some of the best in a culture (rock) that is so dead that the soda it drank eons ago has crystallized into plastic but he plugs away at it. And not for nothing, this little slab of disco-edged U2 pomp (which seems like a jab too. I mean, come on, wouldn’t that title be THE BEST fake U2 song name ever?) grooves more slickly and has more layers than it really needed to satisfy Oasis fans, and better than any Coldplay song. I can understand the fear, especially given how “Wonderwall” borders “Santeria” on campfire bullshit anthems, and if you lived in the UK you’ve been taught that he is the enemy (rather than actually terrible people like Damon Albarn or the people in Massive Attack), but just take a deep breath. Relax. Understand one law of mankind: Noel Gallagher is wrong about a lot of things, but Noel Gallagher is right about you.
[7]
David Moore: Hold on, this isn’t just the premise of a Kroll Show sketch?
[5]
David Sheffieck: And at last, Noel Gallagher’s transformation into a bottom tier alt-rock band of the late-90s is finally complete. Waiting patiently on a cloud somewhere, Vertical Horizon has earned its wings – at least they would’ve known to cut a minute from this.
[1]
Alfred Soto: Unschooled in this British music scion’s exertions since the apogee of New Labour, I exercised, breakfasted, and listened. The talent for horrible lyrics remains: “strike up the band” rhyming with “sinking sands” I expected, but not “fly on the wall.” Nor the steady beat and disco strings. He collaborated with the Chemical Brothers — house piano is not beneath him. In short, not useless.
[4]
Ian Mathers: It almost has to be better than the band name/song title combination, right? And it is, the bassline along is nice enough to ensure that. The chorus honestly isn’t bad (I’ve never minded Noel as a vocalist), but it doesn’t actually quite break through to being good either. The whole thing honestly does feel kind of… regressive? Atavistic?
[5]
Scott Mildenhall: In which Doves solidify their position as this generation’s Beatles, or generation of Noel Gallagher’s anyway. “High Flying Birds”, you see – they’re even supporting him at a hometown show, such is his debt. Noel’s ventures into post-sunset not-quite-dance music have been profitable, so this is happily familiar. There are modifications: “AKA… What A Life!” had pounding pianos; this has strings. While that sailed him home with acquiesce, this is cinematically vast.
[7]
Brad Shoup: Look, I don’t give a toss about Blur either, but the fact is Noel Gallagher is recording disco-prog in 2015, so this war was lost a long time ago.
[6]