You know, “How Can We Be Lovers” holds up pretty well.
[Video][Website]
[3.67]
Isabel Cole: Trying to write this review is causing me intense inner conflict. Its musical merits are pretty much nil, to such an extent that as an actual song it is basically indefensible, and I will put up no opposition to anyone giving it a zero. Judged as a cultural artifact, however, and evaluated according to how much happiness it brings me, it is kind of awesome, combining as it does three of my favorite things: stupid jokes, The Lonely Island, and Pirates of the Caribbean (itself containing both stupid jokes and lonely islands). Ultimately, I base my ratings on how much I actually want to listen to a song, since trying to assign a number the actual “quality” (whatever that means) of a song would drive me up a wall, and thus it is with some (but not a lot of) guilt that I give this what I would bet money is the highest score it will receive. I tried to go lower but it clung to the life rafts of Bolton’s hilariously excited “Now back to the good part!” and Andy Samberg calling himself a “fuck-you-twice guy.” Which brings me to my final justification: it’s important to be a supportive girlfriend, and given that our relationship is already strained by long distance, the demands of fame, and the fact that we have never met, I wouldn’t want to do anything to undermine my future husband’s creative endeavors. Call me, Andy – I got some coves that need exploring.
[7]
Michelle Myers: A good comedy song should have a funny premise, but a great comedy song uses the music itself to enhance the humor. This used to be Lonely Island’s strength. “Dick In A Box” wasn’t funny because penises-as-gifts are funny (well, okay, they kind of are), but because it was such a well-executed parody of a New Jack Swing sex ballad. “I’m On A Boat” satirized T-Pain’s brand of bombastic party-rap while featuring T-Pain. “Jack Sparrow” isn’t particularly funny at all. Michael Bolton jokes are about as funny as Chuck Norris jokes these days (not very much so at all). I’m not really sure how Michael Bolton inappropriately singing about movies is a comedic scenario. The real shame though, is that The Lonely Island boys’ verses are such pure filler. This is a missed opportunity to add some cheek to an unfunny song. Perhaps they could have saved this one with some of their brand of clever party-music parody and witty lyrics, but for some reason, they chose not to.
[1]
Edward Okulicz: Fuck ironic juxtaposition – Bolton’s bit can stay, though. Its straight man summary has more energy and more wit than the Lonely Island’s actual gags.
[2]
Jonathan Bogart: Fuck the haters: both the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and Michael Bolton are awesome. (Up to a point, I mean; I haven’t seen the fourth one or listened to any album tracks.) Which is why I think the Island boys whiffed here: if they’d created a song that was just about Bolton riffing ridiculously on Johnny Depp’s kohl-eyed jester of Tortuga, it could have been some truly inspired pop lunacy, on the level of the Jimmy-Fallon-as-Neil-Young covers. By wrapping it in the conceit of him interrupting a boring club song, it gives both the comedy and the song an unsatisfying stop-start rhythm; and by the time Bolton moves on to Forrest Gump, Erin Brockovich, and Scarface, the jokes are purely visual. Which whatever, television’s a visual medium; but I’m still waiting for the ironic-sincere Bolton revival that uses his sandblaster of a voice properly.
[5]
Al Shipley: I’d rate it higher if the song worked as well without the video. But credit for how well they pull the whole idea off should still go to that hook, which is just as epic and regal as Bolton thinks it is and makes the ridiculous lyrics even funnier by contrast.
[7]
Katherine St Asaph: Whenever any “grown-up” artist makes tentative steps toward Evil Pop Music, like Celine Dion putting Kara DioGuardi and Ne-Yo on her last album or Emma Shapplin deciding she didn’t want to make crossover songs that’d go to die on, like, Buddha Breeze Chill-Out #52, their fanbases roar and weep about how their sound is tainted forever by fakeness. Thanks to the Lonely Island, now I know what they’re imagining. But pirates, yeah!
[5]
Jer Fairall: Timing is everything: I just finished watching my DVD box set of The Larry Sanders Show days before hearing this song, thus rendering the admittedly pleasurable experience of hearing Michael Bolton drop an F bomb a joke I’d heard already. I still laughed again anyway, but I didn’t have to sit through three minutes of anemic rapping to get to it the first time.
[4]
Michaela Drapes: I’d give this a 10 if I was just rating this on Michael Bolton’s ability to laugh at his own ridiculousness. However, I think I’m just too old to find any charm in The Lonely Island’s flat-footed class clown antics, which really don’t add value to the proceedings. (And why are their bits so low down in the mix — it’s incongruously amateurish, but maybe I’m missing something?) I know they can be funny occasionally, but not here.
[0]
Alfred Soto: But Michael Bolton was already a joke — and a funnier one in Musicians For Free Range Chickens.
[2]