“Commercially, the song has charted within the top 30 in Belgium, Canada, and the Netherlands…”
[Video]
[3.93]
Callie Petch: People don’t dance no more, they just stand there like this. They cross their arms and stare you down, they drink and moan and diss.
[5]
David Allun Jones: Much in the same way Dolly Parton’s passing led to millions unearthing/re-discovering the many fascinating side quests that dotted the Earth icon’s legendary career (Variety show?! Disco?! A movie with Stallone?! Co-producing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer film and TV show?! Funding COVID-19 vaccines?! Erm, quasi-covering Chris Brown in the style of inspirational for the big screen?!?!?!), future retrospectives on goddaughter Miley (last name no longer needed…until maybe the next album cycle) promise to be just as much of a rabbit hole thrill ride when touching on all of the kooky little moments stringing together her more zeitgeist-piercing career highlights. “Bass Persuades” is destined to be slotted among curious in-betweeners like Dead Petz, future trivia questions recalling when Miley preached at the apathetic youth to get off their smartphone screens already and just dance to her untz-y Eurotrash beat. Unfortunately, this is Madonna “I’m drinking a soy latte” levels of silly, its spoken word Britney bits and zany Gaga-aping verse lines about Bermuda ghosts and fentanyl seemingly aiming for camp but lacking the glint-in-eye smirk that make those two girl-pop modes sparkle so. Points for the TRL-bait video and the husky disco diva turns in the pre- and post- chorus (those signature pipes remain a national treasure), but well-meaning intentions aside, I’d rather keep my eyes glued to my iPhone. *Goes back to gleefully watching Dolly sing CCM “Forever” for the umpteenth time.*
[6]
James M Errington: This is fine, the production is fine, the Britney pastiche is fine, the song itself is fine, the stagey sexiness is fine, it’s just lacking anything new to grab me. Maybe those harmonies at the end are kind of interesting? No, sorry, they aren’t. I’ve got nothing here.
[5]
Al Varela: Once again Miley Cyrus completely reverse UNOs her previous album by going a completely different direction. This time, instead of an artsier, ambitious pop album, Miley reverts back to chasing the pop charts by making a Lady Gaga song with Dua Lipa swagger for her lead single. Buzzed-out synths, skippy drum beats, a big pop hook that declares that “kids don’t want to dance”, and an expensive music video that is admittedly pretty fun. But once you get past all the flashy bells and whistles, the song has nothing to offer you. You’ve heard all this before. From Gaga, from Dua, from Bebe Rexha, from Doja Cat. These nachos have been reheated so many times that the chips have gone soggy and the cheese tastes like plastic goop. The flaccid attempt at dance commentary isn’t built upon at all, Miley’s husky voice doesn’t have the stage presence or diva energy to be preferable to the previously mentioned names, and the more you listen to this beat the more stale and blocky it sounds. Kid Harpoon can get away with making strange, hypnotic club beats for Harry Styles but he can not make runway serve anthems. A total regression for Miley as an artist, especially since the album promised a surprise collab with dance punk band Model/Actriz. Maybe she should have taken way more notes from them, so she could be interesting again.
[4]
Charli Jae Brister: Hi I am using this playlist to tell you what I think of this bad song but if you want actual criticism it’s “wow this is a great Lady Gaga song from 2008”.
[0]
Will Adams: The Fame-era stomp and synthbass hisses are persuasive; Miley’s spoken-word lecture about The Times We’re In is not. Why would the kids want to dance to a par-baked attempt at message music?
[4]
Alfred Soto: A Simon Says keyboard gurgle at the 1:10 point brought to mind a 2010 Gaga hit, only it would’ve been the 43rd most interesting aural element instead of the only one.
[4]
Iain Mew: Bass cajoles, at best. I also love Born This Way but there are plenty of alternatives in that space; at least Valencia Grace makes ripping it off sound like fun rather than a chore.
[3]
Nortey Dowuona: How Kid Harpoon was allowed to handle the drums and electric guitar is disappointing due to those being the worse parts of the song while Michael Pollack, coproducer of some much more coherent songs, is stuck on the synths, the best part of it. Apart from Miley, of course. Why exactly? Cuz the synths, done by Pollack, Aaron Shapiro, Maxx Morando and Harpoon, flitter from side to side, fritzing at each awkward shift meant to be a hairpin turn, while the drums are so chunky and soupy they don’t feel fleet, instead offering sloppy jerks between verse, pre chorus and chorus. A smooth, electric pop dance song turns into a messy pop rock song with all the drum sounds switched out. Not fun.
[5]
Anna Katrina Lockwood: I think this is objectively not a good song, but it did make me consider the possibility of a Josie and the Pussycats spinoff focusing on Parker Posey’s character — as helmed by Kenny Ortega. Which is the kind of thing that earns you a 5, in my opinion.
[5]
Joshua Lu: Miley tries her hand at talk-singing, aiming for Madonna but landing closer to Countess Luann. There’s a lot of words with precious little actually being communicated; why do these big, posturing pieces have to be so drab?
[3]
Kayla Beardslee: A collection of sounds and words!
[3]
Wayne Weizhen Zhang: “Bass Persuades” is catchy and thumpy and sweaty, but I’m still waiting for the day when Miley’s panache once again meets deeper substance.
[6]
Charlotte Gaze: ♪ Am I so out of touch, am I so out of touch / Am I so out of touch, am I so out of touch / It’s the chil-dren who are wro-o-ong / I am MILEY and it’s the children who are wrong ♪
[2]