Damn it, Youtube commenters already beat me to saying this is about Rozay’s titties.
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[3.29]
Anthony Easton: Why did this require four people to perform? This sounds like snark, but I am being serious — would this be any more or less terrible with six or much better with three?
[1]
Alfred Soto: It took four fools to come up with a track this soft?
[1]
Daniel Montesinos-Donaghy: In a recent review of Santana’s recent God Will’n mixtape, Brandon Soderberg mentions that the patented Juelz flow has become a blunter force over the years, similar to how Rick Ross raps now (despite Ross’s earlier on-record “sleepy Santana” flow). Rozay continues to corner the market on the hood-absurdist persona, yelling things like “my dick won’t stay soft!” and getting away with it. No matter how loud he barks, Juelz can’t catch a break for trying to rap like Ross. Later on, he’s outyelled by inside-voice-adverse Meek Mill and outmaneuvered by a coasting Fabolous. It’s a shame.
[5]
Brad Shoup: I mean, you call the song “Soft,” you know what the flow is. Meek’s on his eighth cup of coffee, someone crossed “fuck Santana” off her bucket list, and Fabo’s got to get his cable bill paid. I dig the gang examining softness as a virtue (to a point — someone somewhere is going to give us this decade’s “What’s Up Fatlip?”, but not any man here) but that soap-opera interstitial music didn’t strike anyone as undermining?
[6]
Jonathan Bradley: Once upon a time, Juelz would have been the stand-out element of unpredictability on an IKEA track (insert plug A into socket B) like this, but that role is now occupied by an admirably ratchet Meek Mill. Santana’s best efforts misfire: a straining-for-relevance YOLO reference and an uncharacteristically conventional “soft booty/real ass” simile. This is the dude who once told us he was “straight out like hot spaghetti,” remember. Also, what happened to Fabo’s punchlines?
[4]
Edward Okulicz: An intriguing piano-based production that would have been fantastic with either tension or wit, “Soft” provides neither. The titular word just isn’t that fun to play with, even using it to alternately describe the luxurious and the lame isn’t exactly thought-provoking wordplay. Juelz’s verse throws a mix of pop culture references that code desperate to be contemporary (YOLO) and just desperate for a rhyme (JoJo). As for the guests, Rick Ross has a priapism, Meek Mill likes money and is mildly diverting, and Fabolous isn’t even trying.
[3]
Josh Langhoff: So you’re beating egg whites to make a meringue, feel me, and what you’re actually doing is unfolding the proteins to create a meshlike network that traps air bubbles. (Apologies to Chef Ian, but this seems like an apt metaphor.) You know you’ve got it when you see stiff peaks — aka, when the protein mesh turns hard. But if you overbeat the whites, try to make them too hard from insecurity or whatever (aha, you see where I’m going here), you stretch those poor proteins too tight and actually squeeze out the trapped bubbles, leaving you with a disgusting white mess that resembles exactly what you think it does. Good story, grandpa. The point is, meringue stiffness is mostly air that you excise at your peril, and in this scenario Meek Mill is a stabilizer like sugar or cream of tartar and the other three are boring hacks.
[3]