What a pair of happy pop stars.
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[3.90]
David Turner: “Love the Way You Lie” is one of the biggest songs of this decade. Let that sink in. I know. “The Monster” is of course the sequel to that chart-topping song (ignoring the actual sequel of “Love the Way You Lie Part. 2”) but with a slight 2013 update. Soulless guitar strums, “wooooo Hoooo” adlibs from a Lumineers song and a rhythmic stomp that turns into a dubstep breakdown by the end. All of the sour notes of white 2010s pop and infected with a grumpy white dude rapping. Nope. Nada. Nothing good.
[2]
Anthony Easton: I’ll give this a couple of points because Rihanna works out her best excesses, and give it at least a point for Eminem yodeling, and some of the production is interesting, so that might be worth something, but seriously, this pales in comparison to Minaj et al.
[3]
Will Adams: For someone agonizing over the pitfalls of fame and the voices in his head, those sure are some bright guitar strums. Rihanna and the leftover vocals from Bebe Rexha only emphasize the mismatch. Meanwhile, Eminem just sits there, stewing in his own pile of stilted flows and stale references.
[3]
Daniel Montesinos-Donaghy: After “Love You When You Lie,” Rihanna makes a case for herself in the pantheon of Eminem’s Track 13 Girls, cooing and belting atop hundreds of inspira-filters studio triggers. Despite the antiseptic sheen, Em ingests a small sense of tragedy into “Monster” when he wants to walk amongst us like a “regular civilian,” even when his on-track vow to continue Hulking out means he could never be Bruce Banner.
[7]
Brad Shoup: “Wanted to receive attention for my music/Wanted to be left alone in public/Excuse me…” Sorry about that, Em. We were white kids raised on rock, spouting off about bullshit like “craft” and passing Wesley Willis and Anal Cunt CDs to each other. You were technically gifted, but the real gift was Dre’s co-sign on a rapper who sounded like the little shits in our PE class. Then you started taking potshots at your fellow MTV tenants: finally, rap beef that tasted like home cooking. You gradually shifted the vector of your tangential relationship to rap-rock. The features with living rappers stopped, but you popped up in the “Break Stuff” video. Your childhood was rough, no doubt, but it slotted really well next to Aaron Lewis’s. Rock bloat set in: Slim Shady had one track over five minutes, Marshall Mathers had six, the sequel’s got seven. The rinky-dink Bass Brothers sound gave way to rinky-dink arena slog. Your flow, once flooded with the craftsman’s joy, became fussed-over and ponderous, the hip-hop equivalent to the G3 Tour. Eventually, the only modern rock hitting the Hot 100 was your singles. “The Monster” is a sequel in its own right, with reassuring EDM pulse replacing acoustic feels. The drums are narcotic; delivery-wise, you’ve stayed in your lane. Rihanna’s feature is essentially a Korn album cover, but she absolutely caresses the melody. Those near-whistle-register coos are killer, too. Your final-chorus countermelodies are too brief, but they’re a beauty I wish we’d known earlier.
[8]
Alfred Soto: She’s friends with a monster, and, no, considering the “US Weekly” stories, she’s not crazy for thinking so — she’s just incapable of expressing terror or thwarted perverse lust, but what else is new. The title attraction yodels, slices Wonder Bread syllables, growls, and snarls trying to imitate what he still sounds like in his own head.
[2]
Edward Okulicz: Eminem’s career in selected songs and statements, uncharitably summarised: I’m a monster! No, I’m just playing a character! PSYCHE! I am a monster! No, I’m a Real Person with Feelings! I’m a monster again! He contains multitudes, no doubt. Which is why Rihanna’s chorus is kind of uplifting too, I can totally imagine this working with a big “Empire State of Mind”-style Alicia Keys chorus instead of Rihanna. It wouldn’t be good but it would still work. Why? Because monster or not, this is agreeable and competent radio pop.
[6]
Rebecca A. Gowns: Eminem is awful as always, but at least he has the decency to make some of the verses forgettable as opposed to insufferable. The Rihanna chorus is cute and catchy and definitely stolen from a stack of Hot Topic shirts c. 2005. The beat sounds like the demo track that you get for free when you install Fruity Loops.
[3]
Katherine St Asaph: Every point’s for the whooping coloratura at the end of the chorus, which deserves to be in a song that isn’t Old Man Yells At Cloud-Rap. It’s telling how Em resorts to pitch-shifting and futzing with the track tempo, rather than the rapping that’s supposed to be the point of him, to inject the drama the whole “monster” thing lost somewhere around 2010.
[3]
Jonathan Bradley: “I’m friends with a monster,” sings Rihanna, and I wonder when he’s going to show up. Get to the end of the song and it turns out it’s loveable, furry old Grover Eminem. Bit of a let down.
[2]