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[3.18]
Crystal Leww: The new album is called White People Party Music which makes me think that Nick Cannon is in on this joke. This is so well calculated that it seems impossible that he’s not. The vanillafication of “get money” rap tropes, the terribly trite, perfectly formulaic Afrojack beat, the Pitbull-esque rap verse that Cannon performs himself, and the uplifting-but-ultimately-nonsense chorus inform our understanding that Cannon is totally kidding with this whole thing. The middle of the music video features a dance interlude that references popular hip hop dance forms (steppin’, yiken, the Nae Nae) which is kind of genius given the white mainstream’s tendency to steal casually from black culture. Alas, no credit for music that is ironically bad but still bad anyway.
[4]
Patrick St. Michel: “Is that the end?” a voice asks after the drawn-out dance breakdown in the video. “No!” a group shouts back, though any sensible collection of people would have known better to let the song continue when the very next verse is an uninspired “my life is so amazing/all this money, all these ladies” boast from Nick Cannon, like he’s trying to convince himself. Then again, putting the brakes on this slice of Black Eyed Peas-lite EDM pop earlier would have been the best route.
[3]
Alfred Soto: I hear a dream that sounds like talent show Drake.
[0]
Brad Shoup: I missed the entire first verse. Just blew right past me. Fumbling synth work meets expertly roughed-up backing vocals. There is no release, just good old obligation, like sticking a pledge to your wife right after marveling about all the women hanging around you. (Maybe he’s talking about Silhouettes?)
[3]
Anthony Easton: Nick Cannon is such a joyful presence. He seems to be a little willing to keep attention on his wife, or his show, but in general, he has this genuinely inclusive ability for everyone to love him. He also dances really well, and sings with a swinging ease. So, it is kind of weird to have something so Auto-Tuned, anonymous, and isolated. The only thing new about this is the break it makes with Cannon’s personae.
[5]
Scott Mildenhall: The building lines promise a lot, and for quite a long time too. Everyone’s just looking for a dream you know, it’s so true; so moderately exciting. There’s going to be a slightly euphoric chorusdrop in a second, just wait, it’s coming, he’s going to get there in a minute. Just a few more repetitions. Yep. OK. Hang on. Still waiting. No. Never mind. Far East Movement’s “Turn Up The Love” is almost the exact same song, only somewhere in the region of infinitely better.
[4]
Will Adams: You don’t have to look far, Nick. In fact, the dream is already a reality. Three years ago.
[3]
Megan Harrington: This is not the sequel to Drumline that I wanted, but I guess if I’m honest, it’s the one I deserved. I would not sniff if this soundtracked all my Irish exits during the temperate months.
[6]
Katherine St Asaph: While walking on broken glass. So dated I half-wonder where the All That sketch goes.
[3]
David Lee: I can barely think over my raging second-hand embarrassment at this video. (I don’t think “lice scurrying over a pale scalp” was the director’s intention and yet that’s what I’m seeing.)
[3]
Rebecca A. Gowns: will.i.am lite is a troubling concept, like watered-down water. I’d like to blame Nick Cannon, but there’s something about his eager face that makes me hesitate calling him anything but corny, so I’ll lay the blame for the offensive mediocrity of this song at the feet of Afrojack. The steppers in the music video are cool but ultimately only remind me of the missing joy and spontaneity.
[1]