How the Westlife was won and where it got us…
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[3.20]
Katherine St Asaph: LAW OF CONSERVATION OF BOY BAND MASSIVENESS: When boy bands are revived, they’re all revived, in all popularity and genre brackets. There are the ‘N Sync/One Direction champs and BSB/Wanted near-champs, destined for fame and maaaaaybe the canon; the 98 Degrees not-so-champs and 5SOS/Blink-182 pop-punkers; the trendy tryhards — in 2000 that meant 5ive and No Authority’s starched Cheiron sound — who fill out nostalgia lulzicles; and the soft-rocking Westlife/Boyzone glurge gallery, destined for institutional longevity that won’t get much mention, no matter how lowkey influential. (1D isn’t so far off, especially now having shed its most R&B-inclined member.) Probably it’s because this sort of music is way too boring to do much more than note it and forget.
[4]
Scott Mildenhall: No wonder The X Factor‘s Octopop cut ties with Louis Walsh so quickly — he already had a new oversized nonglomerate on the go back home. Weirdly enough this isn’t a million miles from their debut single, only with actual hints of professionalism. Accordingly almost entirely characterless, it equally sounds like a Union J cast-off, and in this instance that’s praise. There may be vestiges of a Celtic quality, but they could well be illusory: a moderately rousing track built on an underwritten chorus and an unintentionally comical title are enough either way.
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Alfred Soto: Usually performers meant the title diagetically — remember this poor guy’s last hit? Now remember One Direction have been doing this plea for mass identification much better.
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Jonathan Bradley: I’ve been to two One Direction shows, and the thing that surprised me on both occasions was how popular Niall Horan is. Nothing against the guy — he seems a perfectly pleasant young man — but his boyish amicability isn’t what comes to mind when a straight thirty-something man thinks teen heartthrob. HomeTown is an Irish boy band with six times the number of Nialls. I hope the fans like ballads that are anthemic in the same way as are commercials for national tourist bureaux or coast-to-coast telephone networks. It’s a sound that doesn’t seem suited for much else: too large in scope from personalities too small to match. What do I know though? I like “Fix You” and Louis Tomlinson.
[3]
Megan Harrington: Wow. What a strange way to phrase your empathy. “I can hear your cry for help/So cry for help!” twists what’s already a weird combination of drama and the everyday into something you imagine your serial killer screaming at you while you languish in some mildewy cellar in rural Ohio. Why would anyone ever demand a cry for help? This is a minor quibble and doesn’t have any direct bearing on the merits of “Cry for Help,” but since they skipped a few steps in favor of unearned intensity, I feel alright pointing out that this group could have two fewer members and still have their archetypal “ugly one.” HomeTown are, at best, three Nialls and a Liam, so I wish them all the best in not becoming their generation’s Moffats.
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Micha Cavaseno: You know, I was honestly wondering how long it’d take someone to make a boyband that could embody a certain amount of the sort of bland pop-rock that 1D never openly embraced. Honestly, this is low-key what I imagine a Harry Styles solo single would embody, bland sweep the hills “Hey, I’ll do this thing” sentimentality and diving through life chin first flex in even the wimpiest of disguises. If it was any more devoid of identifiables, it’d be a Christian Rock single.
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Patrick St. Michel: I realize I’m not the target audience for this, but I’d hope all ages could pick up on how needless the drama hoisted on this song is.
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Ramzi Awn: Turn the volume down once, shame on me. Turn the volume down twice, shame on you. “Cry for Help” is in fact true to its name, at least.
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Mo Kim: There are a lot of these songs, perky rollicking anthems loaded with platitudes about how you aren’t alone and other people are there for you and your life will magically turn out okay if you take it. These are all good, important messages: my real problem with these songs is that they all sound like they were written by student council members on probation. Here we get the band telling us they know we “try, try, try” (this is line one) and braying over each other in a headache of a chorus, playing less like an acknowledgement of other people’s pain and suffering and more a celebration of the singers’ benevolence. Yet I also understand that this song wasn’t written for me, remember how it felt to be thirteen and miserable, believing that only Linkin Park was on my side. Even if this song is as generic and nondescript as HomeTown’s name, I hold the hope that at least one person will get something out of it — the rest of us will just have to wait for it to stop getting played in Payless Shoes nationwide and pray that the next one of these songs will at least have the good sense to employ P!nk.
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Will Adams: Whenever you feel lost, just cry for help, and HomeTown will come rescue you with palatable pop-rock complete with overblown Lion King production. My hero, er… heroes, rather, since there’s like sixty of them!
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