John Green/Divergent actor turns EDM DJ, turns pop frontman, turns noses…
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[4.30]
Katherine St Asaph: More male melodrama about their avoidable douchery. “Call me a thief! There’s been a robbery, I left with her heart, tore it apart, made no apologies!” isn’t quite “That chick had one in the chamber… I went out and banged her!” but it’s way too damn close, and I can’t take it any more seriously than I can the idea of hearts being purloined by someone named Ansel Elgort. And yet there’s that synth line, fat and insistent; if this isn’t the absolute nadir of songs I will listen to if attached to a proper sequencer, I give up on everything.
[3]
Iain Mew: “Thief” is a bit Jon-Bellion-does-The-Weeknd, with a side of Nick Jonas at his most ridiculous, which I would not expect to be a recommendation. The entertainment value is off the charts, though, and the rubbery synth pulse is so well done and perfect for the drama. That makes for lasting substance beyond just enjoying the way that Elgort swoops at each line from a random starting point.
[6]
Hannah Jocelyn: An ’80s pastiche about the tortured psyche of a YA star who can’t form emotional connections with other people, just sexual ones. My only explanation for how it works this well is that this originated as a leftover sketch from Brandon Flowers’ The Desired Effect and it somehow ended up in the hands of Ansel Elgort. But Ansel actually played a fairly heavy role in “Thief,” co-writing with Tom Morris, Michael Trewartha of Grey, and “Store” producer CJ Baran, — and according to YouTube’s credits for the song, he contributes a decent portion of the instrumentation. I can’t believe I’m looking forward to Augustus Waters’ next banger. Who knew?
[8]
Adaora Ede: Is a singing career a must? Look, I read the John Green books in middle school like everyone else, but something about the fake-deep cigarette boy singing a pop song has enervated the departed sapiosexual in me. Good on you, Ansel, for making an entrance into this dog-eat-dog world of music with something a little idiosyncratic. Droopy, synthy pop rock isn’t what I anticipated from Teen Pan Alley at all. I hate the ostentatious Chainsmokers/nu metal white male vocal (seriously, why are these guys trying to hard to feign expression over a beat that probs comes from the same two button thingies on a drum pad?), but I sure am a sucker for heartless Eurodance!
[4]
Crystal Leww: Earlier this week, I traded tweets with former Jukebox writer David Turner and current Jukebox writer Jibril Yassin about the EDM-pop 1.0 era and how badly it’s aged despite being chock full of absolute bangers. “Thief” seems like a throwback to those days when R&B pop vocals sat over pulsing synths, but despite his best attempt at Usher circa Looking 4 Myself, Ansel Elgort falls short of a bar that is insulting in 2017 but still weirdly high.
[3]
Katie Gill: This sounds like an alien race got a week of human Top 40 music beamed nonstop to the mothership, then was asked to write a song that was guaranteed to chart big so alien envoy Ansel Elgort could properly infiltrate our society. “Thief” hits a lot of the familiar beats of what’s big right now and what’s been big in 2016 but has no idea how to put them together.
[2]
Madeleine Lee: Seems like those songwriting workshops worked for Archie Andrews after all.
[4]
Scott Mildenhall: Word association: a fun game to play, but if “rib cage” is the best you’ve got to follow up “hollow” you’ve immediately lost. As far as writing techniques go, “Thief” can’t help but land itself in trouble — “she was on top of me”, for one, is about as far away from show, don’t tell as possible. The unfortunate thing is that it could be enjoyable were it not so keen on selling this stuff as some sensuous pop noir, overreaching lyrically as often as Elgort does vocally. Such self-seriousness doesn’t end well when you are in many respects inept.
[4]
Alfred Soto: Wow — “parchment” in a pop-dance thumper! A welcome distraction from a Zayn-like vocalist who can’t summon sensual frenzy without looking like he’s in the bathroom belting enthusiastically into a hairbrush.
[4]
Juana Giaimo: Ansel Elgort tries to impersonate a heartbreaker full of regret who tries to act like a good guy by compensating his previous acts via song. But I don’t believe a single word he says in that afflicted voice; he still wants to show off how the women are at his feet. In the end, nobody can be a heartbreaker like Marina.
[5]