No, we wouldn’t, but thanks for asking!
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[5.20]
Nortey Dowuona: the 808s are tuff, the synths are swooping, the bass is kicking and the drums….well they don’t mess up the harmonies, which are auto tuned to heaven. Chill.
[6]
Alfred Soto: The rat-tat-tat of Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” and the horny insistence of the vocals animates this series of rhetorical questions punctuated with synth stabs. The girl’s answer is unrecorded.
[7]
Juana Giaimo: For being a song about telling someone they are unique, this is a really generic song.
[5]
Will Rivitz: The beauty of pop music done well is how it hides its artificiality. Exec-board decisions and creative control’s handoff to hordes of producers and writers instead of a singular artistic entity are masked behind sleights of hand which make the music feel natural, free-flowing, obvious. Since she’s blessedly dropped new music this week, I feel like it’s appropriate to point to Taylor Swift as an example of what this artifice looks like when established properly: her music, despite coming from the biggest and therefore necessarily the most impersonal pop star on the planet, feels intimate, her public persona (at least pre-snake) approachable and charming, her social media feeds relatable. PRETTYMUCH’s most basic failing is that they achieve exactly the opposite. Their social media is very #brand, their goofiness on video is too well-produced, and their attempts at “natural” performance are stilted and awkward. Take this “off-the-cuff” (which, like, lmao) a cappella arrangement of some summer 2017 smash hits, which is a) very clearly well-rehearsed – you don’t get those harmonies that consistently on your first take, b) filled with deeply uncomfortable “oh yeah, I know that song!” reactions from the rest of the group when a member pops in with a new solo, and c) pretty much (hyuk hyuk) entirely a plug for this here song, whose presence takes up the mix’s entire second half despite approximately zero radio play. I would love to be able to appreciate “Would You Mind” without all these considerations in mind, because it’s actually a pretty decent *NSYNC-ish throwback, but if the marionette’s strings are too clearly visible it’s tough to appreciate the puppet.
[3]
Claire Biddles: It seems somewhat surplus to requirements that Simon Cowell is creating boybands outside of the X Factor context, but here we are: That acapella opening could so easily be ripped directly from a first audition to prove that ‘the boys’ can really sing, y’know? before they burst into a baggy-trousered dance routine. “Would You Mind” is objectively Not Great and extremely old-fashioned but I love a. orchestra hits in choruses and b. cute boys doing dance routines so I like this more than I maybe should.
[6]
Madeleine Lee: If the increased awareness of K-pop in the western hemisphere is to be believed, there’s a market out there for goofy, (mostly) non-white-looking boys who can dance and the neo-new jack swing singles they make. This song is funky enough that it will automatically be called “A BOP” by those on the Internet who want to promote it, but I wish the part that was destined to be stuck in my head was the cool “I’ve got a question for ya” pre-chorus counter melody, not the underbaked chorus.
[5]
Stephen Eisermann: A throwback that needs to be thrown back into the 90s. Don’t mash together all of my favorite songs from the 90s and have the new product be worse the originals. That’s not how this is supposed to work, guys, you’re doing it wrong.
[3]
William John: When pop websites are already designating you the heirs apparent to One Direction’s vacated throne, undercutting some orchestra hits with pendulous bass is perhaps the best way to alleviate any skepticism. Further marks also for the pleasant middle eight harmonies, and for the fact that they dance, an art dismayingly missing from 2010s chartpop culture.
[8]
Austin Brown: Okay, you’re supposed to make the “we have sex now” pivot after you abandon the choirboy vocals and pivot to contemporary R&B trends. Every time I listen to this thing I’m less impressed, sometimes because of the unconvincing seduction premise and sometimes because it just doesn’t sound like these guys have any sense of sonic identity.
[3]
Katherine St Asaph: The new ‘N Sync vs. Backstreet Boys: a boy band composed entirely of Nialls, vs. a boy band composed entirely of Zayns, and judging by sound also of “Too Close,” “Backstreet’s Back,” “Tonight (I’m Fucking You),” threaded together by that well-familiar percussion break.
[6]