Another for Tove Lo’s future compilation of Now That’s What I Call Ungoogleable Hits!
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Andy Hutchins: “What if we had Billie Eilish’s producer brother work with our off-kilter artist and see what magic they could make?” “Yeah, and what if it’s just weird in the inaccessible and not compelling way and not so competent as to be ubiquitous? What if the most interesting musical element is hidden in the back of the hook?” “We can pretend that ‘bikini porn’ is a phrase someone has used in the history of the world before our song!” “…You really thought this through, huh?”
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Katherine St Asaph: “Bikini porn” is about as normal a dirty phrase as “sexy vixen vinyl,” which is kind of emblematic of the problem. As usual Tove Lo’s reluctant towrite a totally frivolous pop song — like most of her songs “Bikini Porn” (ugh) has an undercurrent of nihilism, of “fuck it, we’ve got 20 years of Earth left, it’s disco tits time.” But that remains an undercurrent in a track that’s mostly here to awkwardly brag about how provocative it is. (The chorus, with its “naked — oh yeah, naked,” is on the same provocation level as a joke from Rocko’s Modern Life, which is to say, aimed at 13-year-olds.) Producer Finneas, fresh off his Grammy, is here to prove he can do normal pop songs for people other than Billie Eilish, in this case a trop-house song — an odd pivot, considering the majority of pop producers are now frantically trying to prove they can sound like Finneas. But he, too, can’t help but be himself, and the low synth grind underneath the later choruses sounds more like he’s proving he can do a Depeche Mode song: an improvement. But it, too, isn’t enough; the result is watered-down “True Disaster,” watered-down Billie Eilish, and for that matter, watered-down Ke$ha.
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Joshua Lu: I’ve always preferred Tove Lo when she’s pushed to her limits, with a smorgasbord of synths backing up her paeans to a good dicking. “Bikini Porn” is even more subdued than the already toned-down Sunshine Kitty, in both her stoic delivery and simple instrumental, but in pulling back she bares how a little too /r/ihavesex the lyrics are.
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Kayla Beardslee: “I’ve got glitter in my eyeballs” is a truly flinch-inducing line, but other than that this song has exactly the kind of horny minimalism I want from a Tove and Finneas collab. His influence is there in the synth swoops that swarm around the gaps in production, and hers is present in the lyrics (this has officially out-Tove Lo’d “Disco Tits”) and the vocals, smooth and compelling as always, even when the lyrics are gritty and/or sleazy. It all builds up into subtle explosions of bass and vocoder, showing once again (as if she hasn’t proven it over and over!) that Tove Lo knows, like no one else, how to combine playfulness, sexiness, and mastery of her craft.
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Brad Shoup: She and Finneas went half on a champagne bottle and ended up with a Weeknd song. It’s funnier than him, of course, and the processed vocals end up less Daft Punk than Gomez. But it does hit like a sunshower.
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Alfred Soto: I live in Florida, and the scenario presented by Tove Lo is as common as cottonmouths in the Everglades. Drinking champagne and dancing naked all day? Welcome to spring break. The beats aren’t fresh despite the expensive stutters and sub-trop house beats.
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Kylo Nocom: Apocalyptic quasi-tropical shuffle deserving of the same praise of “Buzzcut Season,” if not more. Its refusal to climax is its strongest asset, asserting lines that would otherwise be mundane (“all I do is drink champagne all day”) with deadly seriousness.
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Vikram Joseph: Tove Lo is capable of bombarding you with spectacular hooks like Carly Rae Jepsen, but generally refuses to give you any more than she absolutely needs to. Finneas, of course, is no stranger to this sort of pop minimalism, so they’re a natural fit. “Bikini Porn” is cocky and provocative, but it’s also taut, sinuous, and addictive, and when it lowers its guard to give you just a couple of shimmering synth chords it’s an intensely sweet release. Tove Lo’s listeners can have a little melody, as a treat.
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