Virginmistry – Bar Mitzvah Walkout Anthem

And with that, Readers’ Week comes to a close with a trip down memory lane, courtesy of Fernando Folino…

[Video]
[7.00]Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: I went to a Jewish day school (2004-2016) for all of my primary education. As such, I am one of the currently working music critics best equipped to critique a putative “Bar Mitzvah Walkout Anthem.” This effort fails by virtue of its success; not only is this, in text, cooler than anything that has ever been played at any Bar (OR BAT) Mitzvah in history (the brief dive into baile funk rhythms at the 170 second mark alone!) it is also cooler than the subjective feeling of being at a Bar Mitzvah, or even being a Bar Mitzvah boy, in general. An [8] in terms of its capacities as a banger; perhaps more like a [4] as a portrayal of the ambiently shame-and-embarassment-struck mindset of 13-year-olds in the late 2000s.
[8]

Will Adams: I only went to a handful of bar mitzvahs when I was 13, so my recollection of the vibes, much less which songs were played, is tenuous at best. (Strangely, my most distinct memory is one bat mitzvah where the DJ spun “Seasons of Love.” The film adaptation of Rent had come out that year and was big, I suppose.) Of the three ’00s hits featured in “Bar Mitzvah Walkout Anthem” — “1,2 Step”; “Me & U”; “No Air” — only the former was around during my circuit. Maybe I heard it then? The accuracy isn’t really the point, given all three have been warped into frenetic nightcore remixes of varying quality. The fluorescent rave of the “No Air” sections appears to me most, but the nostalgia boost of the other songs makes for a fun, disposable experience.
[6]

Claire Davidson: I’m sorry, but nightcore has never been my thing, and despite my admiration for an artist as committed to the bit as Virginmistry — whose most recent project is titled Madonna/Slut Complex, from a label called Nightcore 4 Total Slut s— “Bar Mitzvah Walkout Anthem” will not be the track that converts me. That the song already speeds up two instantly recognizable tracks just enough for them to lose their catchiness, the ineffable pop that mainstream producers spend their entire careers looking to perfect, is already exasperating enough. That those tracks are “No Air” by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown and  “1, 2 Step” by Ciara and Missy Elliott is another matter entirely. Why choose two R&B tracks, specifically, to suit this style, given that so much of R&B’s potency is derived from the natural sensuality of the human voice? What makes this track even more slight is that, despite how thin its remixed vocal lines are, the rest of the instrumentation is still calibrated to suit their tempo, and without the presence of any musical centerpiece to fill that space (save for some thumping bass knocks towards the song’s latter half), the whole piece just feels… limp. If anything, my biggest complaint with this track is how safe it feels; surely an artist responsible for an album description like this has more gonzo ideas up their sleeve.
[4]

Ian Mathers: Every generation gets the The Action Packed Mentallist Brings You the Fucking Jams they deserve (that one was mine, replace as personally appropriate) and that fucking rules actually?
[8]

Nortey Dowuona: This fills me with so much joy. Thank u so much for introducing me to this genius. (The drum patterns are hard as well.)
[10]

Julian Axelrod: Good thing I never had a bar mitzvah, because this nightcore nostalgia bomb would have given all four of my grandparents a simultaneous aneurysm. It’s not as good as “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” but I say that in literally every blurb. (They always edit it out.)
[6]

Dave Moore: NOW That’s What I Call Defacement
[7]